The "News"

"Just provide a normal as possible life for her..."

What does that mean?  After the doctor had drawn out a diagram of the kidneys, and how they work and went over various medical terms.  I asked two questions, what does this mean for her future?  What about her eyesight?...  "Oh there are eye drops for that"  "Most children with this disease will have renal failure by roughly age 10...."  Okay time to meet the dietitian...

How am I to process that?!  I didn't get into it.  My son was there and we were both in tears.  My husband should have been here.  I didn't realize it was THAT kind of an appointment.  I know he would have been.  I thought it was just a general follow up, not "The News" appointment.  Could we have been notified that we should have come together?

It has been roughly two weeks since that follow up.  The physician did apologize a great deal.  He realized the delivery of the news was at a less than ideal time and is hoping that we will give him a chance to help us through this journey and our daughter's care.

The time since that appointment has been pure hell.  If there is hell on earth, I was living it.  An unending sinking feeling.  The tears seemed to never stop on some days.  I would wake at night in a panic.  I have had many a dream of rescuing my daughter.  Also, I would have dreams of earth quakes and the walls crashing in around me.  As a mother, all I could do is hold her tight; wishing I could heal her, absorb this sickness inside her little body.  I felt this way with my son not even a year ago when he was in the hospital. 

I cannot even share the number of emotions that I had experienced.  Fear, frustration, anger, and even guilt.  Why? Will I ever feel normal again?  Will it just be a new kind of normal?